Reflecting Light

Recently I attended a lecture given by Makoto Fujimura which was sponsored by the Trinity Forum and held at the Columbia Museum of Art (Columbia, SC). Makoto is a world famous artist, lecturer, arts advocate and champion for culture care. His lecture was in part to promote his new book entitled Culture Care which articulates a vision beyond the cultural wars to something grander.  For Fujimura, culture is an ecosystem to be tended to as if a delicate and lavish garden. 

As intriguing as this idea is for the church, it was the smallest of details in his talk that arrested my attention.  The process in which Fujimura paints involves the crushing of minerals and semi-precious stones mixing it with other clear liquid ingredients to form a paint.  Fujimura described the process of taking these minerals in a mortar and pestle and pulverizing them by hand.  I have in past, at other venues, heard him describe this very same process, and always wondered, why by hand?

Fortunately at this particular talk he explained, “If you grind the stones by a machine they become perfectly spherical and they do not reflect any light. Only by hand do they each become microscopic prisms which then are able catch the light.” It was in fact a stunning off handed remark, its implications for the spiritual journey are profound.  The very nature of ‘by hand’ means personal, individual connection with that which is being pulverized. 

Makoto’s explanation should galvanize the spiritually attuned Christian to a wonderful, though be it disconcerting relating. God could have easily made a machine like process in which sanctification takes place. He could have made this process uniform across the breath of the church. But instead chose a process that leaves room for the light of God’s love to be discovered in the asymmetrical and broken edges of our lives.   Just as with Paul and the thorn in his flesh or Jacob and his hip dislocation, God is found in the broken places of our lives.  To often we strive for perfection, believing perfection is necessary for witness and testimony.  In truth it is in fact the very opposite. It is how God reflects and shines through the brokenness bits of our lives applied to the canvas with Grace and faith, just as it is with Fujimura’s painting that catch the light and radiate beauty. 

Darkness Burning

Darkness began burning in the heat of human experience.

The weight of emptiness, pulling with tectonic force, 

Is combustible in the cramped quarters of a trampled heart.

Like a stoic tree severed from its base and torn from its roots,

The soul splinters into kindling like pine needles falling on the ground

And fire forces the life out of  the scattering memories and up into the cold air.

To Measure Our Lives by Love

On June 28^th  Tina and I moved back to Columbia, South Carolina  after a two year stint in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  To be honest, I did not want to return. The Burgh (as the native Yinzer’s call their fair city) is a great town.  Pittsburgh felt much more like home than does Columbia.  I had several solid connection with people, and believed that given more time, long lasting and intimate friendships would have developed with many of them. There was also a sense that Pittsburgh could be a place of long term ministry opportunity.  There were two churches whose vision and leadership solidly beat in time with our own. The hope was to serve our church community and find a place ministering in the church.  

On top of all the positive reasons for our desire to stay in Pittsburgh there exists not a few strained relationship I have in Columbia. The fact is, two of the people, perhaps the only two individuals, I genuinely loath live in Columbia. In both cases, there will unfortunately be no way to avoid interacting with them at some level.    Like David in the imprecatory psalms, I have cried out to God for their destruction. Harsh? Absolutely. Unfair toward the individuals in question? Definitely. But it is the reality of my sin nature and the sin nature of every fallen human being to hate. Even if the human in question is redeemed by Christ, we will still finds ourselves in enmity with individuals and with God himself. 

If you do not believe this I encourage you to read Bold Love by Dan Alellender and Tremper Longman III. Within the pages of the book you will be challenged to see both the unlimited power of  a Christ like love, and the depths of our inability to love as he did.  This book by NavPress should come with a disclaimer, “Reader Beware! Opening this book, taking it seriously and reading it thoughtfully, also means wrestling with the darkness of your own hatred toward others.”  I have filled pages upon pages in my journal with reflections and wrestlings on the ideas and challenges contained therein. A friend of mine literally went through 3 large blank journals, writing only her reflections from this book.  Reading this book can be a devastating monster in the best sense.  Even as I read it through once more, I read 3-4 pages at a time, stopping to journal and reflect. 

         

           Why is this book so devastating and important at the same time? Because from the beginning the authors are making incredibly difficult claims on and about the human heart. First, they remind the reader forcefully, “Love is the measure by which my life will be assessed.” We are judged not on the ministries started, the size of our bank accounts, the worship done properly, or souls we have brought into the kingdom. None of those things are the bench mark. Love is.  Please allow that to sink in—Love is the measure of all things. Love can not be defined by numbers or qualified with data points. The greatest lover could literally fail in ever other measurable quality of life and eternally be greater then the greatest spiritual heavyweights in our history books. 

  

           Even so, or as one might expect love is not something one does with ease.   For “Bold Love is courageously setting aside our personal agenda  to move humbly into the world of others with their well being in view, willing to risk further pain in our souls, in order to be an aroma of life to some and  an aroma of death to others.”  The last three chapters of the book are Loving an Evil Person: Siege Warfare, Loving a Fool: Guerrilla Warfare, Loving a Normal Sinner: Athletic Competition.  It’s why more than ever I need to read this book at this moment. I have a feeling that the next few years will challenge me more than ever to make love the standard and measure of my life. Those two people may provide an a wonderfully painfully way of growing my capacity to love. The fact that I am in Columbia, a place and a culture I am generally not comfortable with confronts me with the challenge to love even when I find it much easier to hate. Sanctification is not a pleasant process most of the time but with books like Bold Love it can awaken us to what is at stake. A book like Bold Love can also remind us of God’s overwhelming grace and love toward us.

The Path Darkens at the Steam

The forest lurches inward forming a canopy.

Bending forward like exhausted soldiers returning from combat

Torso’s hunched over their rifles like crutches.

The path darkens at the stream.

Broken boulders face the cold rumble of water  

The sound echoes against the mountains

As if forlorn canon fire in the shadowed distance

Shattering buildings into monuments of abandonment.

And thus, into the darkening valley of boulders and water

Along the stream’s banks walk trains of hollow men, Adam’s children. 

Fractured in meaningless fear of a full heart.

The Greatest Biblical Loser: And What Evangelicals Need to Learn From Him

For nearly 18 months now I have been reading and studying the book of Jeremiah. My Logos Bible Software has two commentaries open and available to me, the Hebrew text and exegetical guides are out, links to Strong’s and the BDB are also open. I have a running file 34 pages of notes that I have gathered in this past year and half.  With all of these tools I typically get through 3-4 verses at a time. For those who really know me this is not a surprise. For if I’m not 4-5 layers deep into a text then I might as well be skipping through the Biblical forest on my way to Joel Osteen’s house. I am not really reading or studying the text unless I am up to my arm pits it Biblical exegetical tools and questions. But one thing is as clear as day about the life of Jeremiah—Jeremiah was a loser. 

By all Earthly accounts (No super spiritualizing his life with quips of ‘he won the eternal race.’ It is a cheep cheat.) he failed in all the ways we determine success and failure in American Christianity and we can even say how we measure success in the biblical world.  His call was to preach to a stiff neck rebellious people a message of repentance. They did not repent. He never climbed the temple establishment’s political power structure. His network of movers and shakers were small and grew smaller with time.  When he was commissioned to tell the nation to accept the punishment God was bringing, they ignored him.  In fact in Chapter 21 when defeat and ruin where immanent, they hoped coming to Jeremiah would earn them brownie points and a message of good news.  It did not, and the results was one of the hardest and most bone chilling messages of the entire book.  When in the end of the book he prophesied to the nations, there is no indication they even got the message let alone did anything about it. The Israelites chose to sing the proverbial “kumbaya” and hope that their status as God’s chosen would be enough to get them out of this latest jam. Jeremiah was beaten, jailed, ignored, mocked and finally exiled against his will to Egypt. He was not even allowed the courtesy of heading off with the rest of the exiles into Babylon or staying in the land he had called home for his entire life. Compared to Jonah who begrudged his calling, even betrayed his calling, Jonah could in the end say that he was the instrument of God’s successful rescue mission of Nineveh. Jeremiah could not even say that on his resume.

Adding to my sense of Jeremiah as the Bible’s greatest example of  failure is Eugene Peterson’s Running With Horses. In just two hundred pages Peterson describes Jeremiah’s futile attempts to get Israel to listen to God’s voice and be the people God had called them all to be. Peterson’s book is in many ways a recounting of the depressing story of a man whose inner constitution was made of iron and bronze (as God himself describes Jeremiah) as much as his heart and body was made of flesh and blood. 

It is at this point in the story where I believe Evangelicals need to embrace Jeremiah on Jeremiah’s terms. We too often look for spiritual heroes, people who overcome their personal demons, the established hierarchy, and the wickedness of their culture. We expect, even demand that God give us victories, that our spiritual leaders move from one success to a greater success. We are failing to embrace the fact, the reality that often times Yahweh faithfulness also means failing to accomplish any of those things. And as in the case of Jeremiah, Yahweh faithfulness means failing at everything. 

Our culture is sick and dying.  America has killed over 55 million unborn human beings, we embrace sexual perversion as an expression of our individualism, and we are increasingly inclined to embrace radical Islam over and against culturally uncouth Christianity. Rather than sounding the trumpet to form ranks in a culture war (which may already be lost), might it be that God is calling us to develop a soul of iron and bronze? What would it mean to name our churches First Church of the Losers, as opposed to Victory Assembly?

I am not saying I like this prospect. Far from rejoicing with the loser label, I dread it, hate it even. I read Jeremiah hoping that this is not my own personal calling, nor that of the Church in North America.  No one wants to be a loser.  No one wants to bang his or her head against a corrupt and sinful culture only to be proclaimed a loser at the end of his or her life.  Jeremiah is a testimony to the reality that what God does too us is often as important, if not more important, than what he does through us. It is a difficult pill to swallow because it ultimately means we can’t guarantee hero status in the eyes of our peers or our enemies. It may just mean that the only thing we have to hold onto for our sense of worth is Christ himself and nothing more. 

Evasion

His voice becomes the distant howl of the wolf in the desert. 

Where rivers of life parch themselves on the sand floor in the anger of a midsummer day;

The dreams of youth exuberantly painted the barren wilderness’s heaven 

In siren like colors of pacific blue and turtle shell green.

He is no longer found in this calcified enclave of memories.

He can be found racing beyond infinities rim toward his own being

Where the astonished wonder of first full embers of new born faith exist 

And the springs of inner delight is found in the wrestling of one’s twilight black heart

The place where personal peace and final stillness find there dynamic working.

He is never where we first catch him in the power of his repose.  

Collect for Jeremiah 20

But if I say, “Forget it!

 No more God-Messages from me!”

 The words are fire in my belly,

 a burning in my bones.

 I’m worn out trying to hold it in.

 I can’t do it any longer!

Curse the day

I was born!

The day my mother bore me—

a curse on it, I say!

He should have killed me before I was born,

with that womb as my tomb,

My mother pregnant for the rest of her life

with a baby dead in her womb.

Eugene H. Peterson, The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2005), Je 20:8–9, 14,16.

Father, you birth in your servants words we cannot bear to speak. Grant that we may find comfort in your love and mercy. That, in the end we can fulfill our calling by the power of the Holy Spirit, with Christ-like humility and obedience to the Glory of your name.

To Hear Grace

Through the dark tunnel of unknowing
Which is like a canopied wilderness of instinctual fears
Walks the pilgrim in the abandoned desert.
He has been brought to this sacred sight
like a willow-o-wisp carried in the forest
By the soft cool currents of wind
Which cross the beach and dance inland.
And in his settled surrender
His eyes are closed in gentle repose
In order to open his weak ears
To the sound of a finely tuned grace
Rumbling in great green waves
Like tall stalks of grass
Waving in the light of a great field.

Friendship

People standing against one another
As if they were opposing weather worn gray mountains,
Which lean over a hidden valley of human identity.
Relationships establish the limits of one’s being
In order to release the individual’s will
Free in an infinite playground of the true-self.
Through territories of strange similarities
Friends encounter each other in the mist
Like trees drawing water from the same brook.
Friendships give shape to the impoverished soul.

Two Collects on Suffering

1.

Lord Christ, heir to David’s throne, you died and rose again to life with power and glory.  Grant that we may endure the tribulations and sufferings of this world in order that we may lay hold of the crown of life which you have bought for us with your blood. In the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

2.

Almighty God, who comforts all who suffer and are in pain. Grant that we may receive Christ in the midst of our own tribulations and trials, in order that we may testify to your love for us throughout all circumstances.  In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.

To the Church of Symrna and Philadelphia. . .

This essay is based on a sermon preached at Seeds of Hope Anglican Church preached on Febuary 28 and March 1st.

What do we make of suffering?  How do we understanding life’s tribulations and pains?  What meaning do we give to them? Each one of us can turn these into very real and raw questions. In my own life I have, and continue to ask, “Why was I born with a physical handicap?” I have suffered with 8 surgeries, the indignity and shame of having to ask people for help with the simplest things of life, for example, tying a neck tie.  It is hard to explain how awkward I feel shaking hands with people, that instant trigger of exclusion. The voice inside my head, “You can’t do even the simplest things like everyone else can.”  The irony of my handicap is that it is just barely there, so I also have to suffer with the complexity of people thinking I am physically normal when I most certainly am not. 

This type of wrestling and asking the questions that arise out of circumstance like mine are what the theologians call the problem of evil.  Christianity, unlike the other major world religions or philosophies, has a particular and uniquely difficult time with this set of questions. Christians hold what many feel are two opposing views. First, God is good and loving.  Second, evil exists and God is not responsible for it.  A Buddhist does not have this problem, evil is an illusion to be risen above. An honest atheist, and that is key finding an honest one, assigns no significant meaning to any event, whether it be a tragic or comic.  Still the typical atheist will get angry at God. Stephen Fry,  noted atheist and actor was asked by a BBC journalist just a month ago, “What would you say to God if he did actually exist?” Fry’s response, “How dare you God make us suffer? How dare you create a world with such evil in it.”  You can take a look at his interview here.

The Christian, however, cannot take the road of illusion, or anger at a non-existent being, or the honest atheist’s denial of all meaning.  Christians have to find a way to hold these two truths together in tension with one another.  This is not merely an academic exercise.  As with my own questions these are not the formulation of abstract arguments. I live in my broken body.  I suffer with all the complexities of being a disabled man who appears normal and healthy.  Each of us, in our individual stories, suffer from the wounds and arrows of real people who have names and faces and who stir tremendous emotions within us. With these questions in mind, we are going to take a look at two churches in the book of Revelation in which nothing negative is said directly to them. But who are in the midst of suffering for their testimony and enduring pain for the sake of the gospel.  What answer does Christ give them to their suffer, and by extension what do they tell us?

Let us first examine the context in which these two churches find themselves.  I picture the context of these churches as three concentric circles. The broadest context being the Roman culture or what I have termed The blunt hammer.  The subcultural context of religion, again what I have termed as the sharpened scalpel. And the everyday context within the church, the nitty gritty.

The Blunt Hammer is the wide angle lens of their condition. Both Smyrna and Philadelphia are prosperous in part because they tow the Roman line.  Philadelphia was particularly noted for its loyalty to Rome and to Roman worship.  Smyrna was a large port city on the coast of Asia Minor.  One could not do business in the city without first paying homage to Rome.  The Churches in these cities were in most definitely unfriendly territory.  A reader can get a sense of just how unfriendly when we realize who the Church in Symrna is being compared with. When Christ announces ten days of persecution a number of scholars believe it references the testing of Daniel for ten days. In this context, Daniel and his friends are in the midst of the wickedness of Babylon, the city which becomes the symbol for all that stand opposed to God, the anti-city of God’s New Jerusalem.  The Churches in Symrna and Philadelphia find themselves surrounded by the larger culture whose values run contrary to their own values. There has been a sporadic sprinkling of prescription and discrimination and it has left the churches on edge. Christ even says directly to the Church in Symrna, “Do not be afraid.”[1]   The situation evokes in me was is currently going on in our culture concerning gay marriage.  Just last September a bakery own by a Christian couple in Oregon refused to bake a wedding cake for a lesbian couple.  They have since been forced out of business and fined by the State.[2]   Regardless whether or not you believe this couple made the right choice, this incident and others like it are stirring a sense of fear that it will in the coming years grow increasingly difficult to live out our Biblical witness in peace and tranquility.

Add to this overarching sense of foreboding, the sharpened scalpel.   A minority culture within the the larger culture has it out for the church.  In both letters this group of people are referred to as the Synagogue of Satan.  This group, who aught to be sympathetic to the Church, Jews of the local community, are very much hostile to it. This minority community is going out of their way to destroy these even smaller Christian communities.  The Synagogue of Satan were motivated for a number of reason to persecute the Church. First, it was in part out of jealousy.  These Christians would have likely “stolen” many of the gentile God-fearers; individuals like the Ethiopian Eunuch or Cornelius in the book of Acts, gentiles in search of the one true God.  Second, the Jews in the city would be persecuting the church out of a zealousness. From their perspective Christians were perverting orthodoxy.  Finally, it may have been out of simple survival instinct.  The jews in the city being a minority themselves could turn to the Roman authority and say, “look at these guys. Turn your gaze from us to them.”

Then there is the immediate circle of the Church’s day to day life. The grist and grime of living in a broken world and where the circumstances stack against you.  Smyrna is described as impoverished.  The same group of people are facing the fact that many of its leaders are very soon going to be imprisoned and even may soon be put to death. Likewise, Philadelphia is described as a faithful church who has “kept my word and have not denied my name” but the Church lacks strength.  That is to say there witness to the larger world and their impact on culture was small.     The answer for these Churches, is the same answer we are given for our own lives and our own sufferings— Christ.  In every letter including the letters to Smyrna and  Philadelphia  Christ reminds them of who he is first before going on to describing their situations to them.  Christ meets us wherever we are.  Christ and his presence may not be the answer we want to hear.  However, it is the only answer we can possible have or in the end have need of.  Christ, the Alpha and Omega is the only being who can and has meet us in the troubles of our world.  He has taken the reigns of this world out of the hand of Satan and into his own. 

 To the Church of Smyrna Christ describes himself as the  “First and the Last.”  The Second century Church Father, Tertullian, says this of the phrase, “just as Alpha rolls on till it reaches Omega, and again Omega rolls back till it reaches Alpha, in the same way He [Jesus] might show that in Himself is both the downward course of the beginning on to the end, and the backward course of the end up to the beginning.” In other words Jesus is both the first word in the story and he is the last word on the page.  The story is not our story but his story and what ever takes place in this story is first and foremost about him.  We are not the leading lady or man in the movie of our life, Christ is. It is difficult to do but we must re-contextualize the story of our suffering. This is not to say that he is a unsympathetic protagonist.  Jesus goes on to describe himself as the one “who died and came to life again.”  Death is the first and greatest evil, Adam and Eve died the day they bit of the fruit. Benjamin Warfield described death as “sin’s offspring, Christ’s enemy, Satan’s servant”.[3] And what is more remarkable then Christ coming back from the dead is the fact that he would go to his death to show himself in control and in love with his creation. Os Guiness stated, “Christianity is the only religion whose God bears the scars of evil.” 

    Christ tells the Church in Philadelphia, “Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God.” The most difficult part of being a Christian is living in faithful expectation. The constant reminder to rehearse in our hearts, “Now and Not yet.”  And so it is that Christ lay out the goal and reward for a faithful life- The Crown of life.  The crown was an ancient symbol for victory, salvation and blessing. When generals paraded through Rome in a military triumph they were given a crown to wear to symbolize the victory they had one.  Christ is declaring in a very loud voice that those who suffer will find in the end something greater then that suffering—life eternal, victorious and blessed.

    But that of course is the future, what of the present? As I read these two letters one thing struck me more then any of the hardships or descriptions of Christ or the questions concerning eternity.  Christ tells the church in Philadelphia, “I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, . . . . I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you.” Christ does not go to those who accuse his church and proves them wrong, he doesn’t come and make the scales of injustice come into balance. He does not seek or get revenge for the wrong.  He makes those who mock and slander see that the church is loved.  This is not saying, some one else in the church, or another part of the church, Christ loves all of the Church, you and me.  I admit it is difficult to believe this reality. I know because it is difficult for me to see it in my own life concerning my handicap and a whole host of other issues where I feel I am suffering, wrestling or under persecution.  I suggested earlier we aught to find a way to re-contextualize our stories, frame the pain and suffering in a different way. I realize how difficult that is. It has honestly taken a better part of 20 years to feel my handicap is a suffering I can not only live with, but a suffering that has positively impacted the very core of who I am.  Some of this has been, as they said in the movie Avengers, cognitive recalibration.

Some of it has been time and circumstances.  I will give you two examples. One, My wife  and I would not have formed as close of a friendship as quickly as we did 16 years ago if not for Cerebral Palsy. One of her college roommates had Cerebral Palsy, and as a result of my Cerebral Palsy I was motivate to help her roommate and her succeed at our school. Second, it was not until I meet my wife and was several years into our marriage that I realized how much my CP allows me to walk in a minorities shoes without me being a in many ways a minority myself.  In racial reconciliation ministry, they call a person like this a code switcher, someone who can speak to both groups in both groups cultural framework. I just happened to be born a natural code switcher. I have been given this advantage and experience in and through my suffering.  Don’t get me wrong I rather not have the handicap in the first place, but I at least am comfortable in trusting God in this particular circumstance.  There are of course new circumstances that I am currently wrestling to re-contextualize and it is a brutal fight. I am sure you have your own circumstances that you are comfortable with and those in which you are not.  However, the message to these two Churches and by extension to us as well is Christ’s loving faithfulness toward them and us in our tribulations.

Memory, Plague and Space

If memory is allowed to fester,
As if it were a small opal blotch upon a muscle,
Which is starved of air that clears away the assumptions,
Then the memory grows in swirls of shifting context and chance.
Prodded by the presence of uncertain relationships
The infested personal history oozes the pain of guilt
Discharging a discolored pus of shame.
And in course of time it breaks the surface of consciousness
The human heart collapses with a crack as if tall pines snapped in two.

3 Collects

1.

Almighty Spirit, the final destination of every man’s desire. Bend the knees of our hearts, so that we might truly and humbly worship you in Christ our Lord. Amen.

2.

Creative Father, you are maker and designer of all of heaven and earth.  Grant that we may know the proper end of all creation, so that we may steward this world with wisdom and grace.  In the name of your Son Jesus Christ through the power of the Spirit. Amen.

3.

Savior Christ, who is the light that shines in the darkness of our souls.  Grant us eyes that see you in the midst of our doubt and grief, so that we may hold fast to our salvation from all that troubles us in this world, In your illuminating name. Amen.

Ehud's Gift

One of my favorite narratives in scripture is found in Judges chapter 3:12-30; the story is Ehud and the deliverance of Israel from the king of Moab. Since I posted two weeks ago concerning calling I thought I would take my own advice and meditate on the idea of calling, using this passage as the basis of my meditation.    On one hand it is a serious recounting of how once again God works through a uniquely prepared individual to provide salvation for his chosen. On the other hand, it is a macabre comical scene, a Biblical example of bathroom humor. 

To lay out the narrative, the king of Moab, Eglon, has managed to oppose the people of Israel for 18 years. He extorts the people demanding that tribute be brought to him each year.  It is Ehud’s turn to take the tribute to the king.  He delivers the tribute without a hitch, but then returns to the king with a “secret message.”   The king clears the room and thus provides Ehud with the privacy he needs to carry out God’s judgement.  With his left hand Ehud stabs the king through, the entire sword disappearing within the fold’s the of kings fat.  Eglon’s attendants are paralyzed. They think their king is relieving himself and do not want to interrupt, thus allowing Ehud to escape. 

What really grabs my attention in this passage, as it regards calling, is the description of Ehud as left handed.  At least one commentator suggests that his left handedness was in fact more of a skill. A cleaver fighting ability that was learned.  This same commentator sights 1 Chronicles 12:2 of men who could fight with either hand.^⁠1  For a moment let us take the scripture literally or at least at face value.  Let us assume Ehud was born with the left hand dominate over his right hand.   That he indeed was left-handed in the modern American sense. 

As a left hander myself, I am aware how everything feels as if it is made for right handed individuals.  Left handedness has overtones of sinisterness and curse: for example, a left-handed compliment.   Or take the fact that our world is designed for those who are right handed. Ever notice vending machines require you to put money in with your right hand, assuming that you are in fact right-handed.  Or the left hand associated with dirtiness. Which side of the toilet is the plunger? The left side of course. It is hard to imagine the stigma of left handedness has changed since even Ehud’s time. Ehud most likely faced some level of  stigma and felt that sense of awkwardness and outsiderness which comes with being odd or different. 

 It is this quirk of fate that puts Ehud in the right place, at the right time ,with the right gifts, no pun intended. All his life his left handedness has been at best a curious mystery.  At this moment of deliverance it becomes the essential key to the plot of God’s redemptive story.  Calling is both time (Ehud’s entire life to this moment), and created makeup (who Ehud was physically). As it so often does the tension lays in waiting around to see how the puzzle pieces of circumstance and created order fuse together at the critical moment of our lives.  Admittedly, calling is often not what we expect and even if, as in the case of Ehud it all comes together, there is no guarantee that we will feel that all the questions have been wrapped up in a neat little bow.  

Take for example one of the most difficult passage of scripture to come to terms with.  In John chapter 9 the disciples ask Christ a question concerning a man born blind.  They asked, “who sinned?” In other words who is at fault, who is to blame for the sorrow this man encounters on a daily basis.  Jesus’s answer is staggering, it raises incredible questions.  “Neither. . . . This happened so that God may be displayed in him.”  It is difficult for me not to take this answer personally. It appears as if an entire life of disability was for the purpose of an object lesson.  Does God take lightly the suffering of others? Is the man’s suffering dwarfed in comparison to God’s glory?  

To one extent the answer is a resounding, “Yes, God’s glory far outstrips the suffering of any one individual.”  Calling is not something we make up, creating it out of our own sense of ourselves and desires.  Instead, calling is that which God grants as a gift, a strange, mysterious grace that is ultimately more concerned with God’s greatness then our own.  And yet, as with Ehud we are perfectly made for the calling God gifts to us. We are perfectly fit for the narrative in which we are placed. 

¹ “They were armed with bows and were able to shoot arrows or to sling stones right-handed or left-handed. . . . ”

Rapids

Electrifying emotions storm through the soul
In a manic state of uncertain energy.
Hurling through the brightly lit facade of human perfection.
Like an out of control car on an oval track
Feelings careen on the corners the mind.
The mental agitations drags the self downward,
Toward the exhausted fumes of catapulting panic.
This rush of anxiety steals the nerve of self
Turning it into a useless plastic putty—a ghosted shell.
The hollow spirit is left feeling like soap squeezed out of a dispenser
In a gray dirty port-a-potty under a set of bleachers.

6 Marks of a Godly calling

One of the first steps in the ordination process in the Anglican Diocese of Pittsburgh is to write a spiritual autobiography.  As a part of this autobiography you answer the question: When and how did you receive a call to ordained ministry?   I wrote, “I received a “call” into ordained ministry at age six.  My father was an interim pastor of a Southern Baptist church in Wisconsin while I was in grammar school. One Sunday morning, I recall looking up at him from the first pew and thinking to myself, ‘I want to do that. I want to preach from the Bible and tell people about Jesus.’”  As one might then suspect the path for me toward ordained ministry has not been a straight one.  In fact, for the last 15 years, since starting seminary, the first time, my calling has been an enigma, wrapped in mystery, wrapped in a London fog.  As such, it was near the end of my first semester at Trinity School for Ministry when I began to look very carefully at the entire idea of calling.  What happens when there is a call from God, but it is in fact not the calling you either expected, or even the calling you wanted?  What happens when the shape of the call, the destination, and goal of the call which is in your mind’s eye is not the one God has in his mind?  

This is what I have been wrestling with in particular vigor in the last 18 months. I came to Trinity with a plan. I would earn my advanced master’s degree, and parle that into a placement in a PhD program.  From there it would be a career teaching theology and spirituality in a seminary.  However, my thesis advisor last January sat me down in his office and told me many of the faculty could not square what they saw with what I was selling. The calling I hoped for did not appear to be the calling for which I was built.  So it all came as a quite, albeit, welcomed crisis. A wrestling with God’s call.  Who am I? What is my life’s work? By the way, it is a wrestling I don’t believe is over yet.  I purpose that there are at least 6 marks of God’s call, not just for Holy Orders but to borrow a phrase from Laity Lodge, The high calling of our daily lives.

 There are 3 people, three saints that have helped me in the last 12-18 months consider the idea of calling and helped me to wrestle through what it means to have a difficult calling from God. The first is the OT prophet Jeremiah. I can’t imagine a seminary student, past, present, or future walking into his mentor’s, pastors’s, or professor’s office and telling that person, “I am called into a ministry just like Jeremiah!”  Jeremiah is as one commentator put it, the “weeping prophet.”  Jeremiah ranks right next to Job as a Biblical character in which God calls  him to a life of immeasurable suffering and isolation.  The second saint is Mother Theresa, the diminutive nun, whose larger than life heart made her famous for serving the undesirables and untouchables.   The final saint is Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a man born with more going for him than most of us could hope for in our wildest fantasies.  At the same time he was called to lay his life down in a failed, though noble opposition to Hitler.

The first mark of a Godly calling is God’s calling never arrives in the way you expect it. Consider if you will the life of Samuel. In Chapter 3 of 1 Samuel, the title character expects to serve in the temple his entire life; he expects his service to be outlined by God through the chief priest Eli.  Instead of this, God calls to Samuel directly.  Also consider the calling of the first disciples in John chapter 1:46, “Nathanael said to him, Can anything good come out of Nazareth?”  Implied in this question is an expectation the Messiah and Nazareth had nothing in common, but here God arrives through the place least expected.  

 Second, the call is often enough not to the people we expect.  It is not simply the how, but the who.  Consider Mother Theresa, a five foot tall uneducated nun called to see Christ in a person’s poverty whether that be physically or spiritual. A gifted academic and scholar who is called to rally the Church against a dictator and take active steps to overthrow a government. As Eric Metaxas points out it was unthinkable that anyone born to the education, class and influence that Bonhoeffer was,  would have ever taken an active roll in trying to assassinate Hitler. God has little regard it seems for the things we think we are, or are not good, gifted, or equipped to accomplish. 

Third, a person is called into a ministry and to a life only he or she can live. There is never any validity when a person says,  “I want to be the next. . . .”  There is never a next. You are who you are, and though shaped and influence by others an individual’s call is the individual’s exclusively.  Psalm 139 praises God’s wondrous ability to craft one of a kind individuals,

when I was being made in secret,

    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

    the days that were formed for me,

    when as yet there was none of them.

 And lest we forget there is nothing easy about God’s calling. In fact, in one manner of speaking God’s call is always beyond the individual’s ability to accomplish the call from his own power.   Implicit in the prophet’s call as prophet is a dependence on God to accomplish the task God has laid down. Samuel in 1 Samuel chapter 3 responds to God’s voice saying, “Speak, for your servant hears.”  Mother Theresa could never have hope to meet the needs of the poor and dying but time and time again as Katherine Spinks point out in her biography of Mother Theresa the funds and resources needed would be divinely provided.   

 Fifth, the call is always for the next step never the final destination. Christ says to Phillip, “follow me” (John 1:43).  Can you imagine if Christ would have told Phillip or any of the disciples that they were going to build God’s Church on earth, be martyred for their faith, challenge the power of Rome, and that they would reshape the world as they new it, as any of us knows it?  Quite simply, there has not been a saint in the course of human history who has ever been told the exact shape and destination of his or her calling.

The final mark of a Godly calling is this— God is present.   In my own life,  I have often wondered about this, through rejection letters from graduate schools, in the midst of  my wife’s numerous health struggle.  However, Psalm 139 makes it clear.  

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

I believe that any christian called into a ministry can and probably should turn these six marks of calling into question for spiritual journaling.  At the very least they can be a starting point to prayer and reflection. God how am I the man/woman to accomplish the task you set before me?   Lord, show me how you have always been present in my life?